Glossary.In the interviews, all participants were asked to define terms that they used to describe various aspects of polyamory. A list of these terms with their definitions was compiled and sent to participants for review. All terms that came up and their participant derived definition are listed below. Where possible quotes from the interviews are also included.
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Glossary |
POLYAMORY
Definition
Literally, to love many. Having or wanting to have multiple sexual and/or romantic relationships at the same time.
Quotes
Well for me polyamory is the capacity to be in love with several people at the same time. Polyamory is a thing I am, so it’s a capacity I have and I don’t have to express it the same way that my sexuality as a bisexual is the capacity to be able to love people with genders other than my own, which doesn’t mean I actually have a partner or maybe I do.
Also for me, it’s not just being able to love several people at the same time and be in relationships with several people at the same time, but it’s also being able to see your partners with someone else than you, because even if you feel you could have two girlfriends, but my girlfriends cannot date anyone else, I don’t think that’s polyamory. I think that’s controlling.
So see we don’t exactly agree where the line is, but I think polyamory includes being fine with your partners having other partners also. So it’s you having several partners if you want and then you being fine if your partners have several partners. So even if you have only one partner, if your partner has several other partners, you’re still in the polyamorous relationship and of course consent is extremely important. If there’s no consent it’s not poly.
So for me, it is being involved in multiple loving romantic relationships with the joyful consent of everyone involved.
So polyamory, I would say, is a way of structuring relationships such that you allow for multiple romantic connections with people, however those connections work.
Well for me, it’s more the freedom to share your love with the people that you’re interested with and not to be restricted by certain guidelines, as long as everybody is consensual and I don’t want to limit myself to who I have to love. I want to be able to enjoy where I can and with whom I can as long as everybody’s okay with it. That’s pretty much my way of polyamory.
I would define it as kind of a subset or a type of open relationship where the type of partners that people have and the types of multi-intimate, like (name) said, encounters or relationships that people have are not limited to being just sexual, that people want to and are allowed to have multiple loving, perhaps long-term relationships and that same as with other open relationships, the idea is that it’s honest, above-board and it has the consent of people. And then that’s kind of a definition coming from a couple’s perspective, but there’s also people who do solo polyamory who consider themselves as wanting to and being capable of loving multiple people at the same time, even though they may or may not be part of a “couple” per se.
Also for me, it’s not just being able to love several people at the same time and be in relationships with several people at the same time, but it’s also being able to see your partners with someone else than you, because even if you feel you could have two girlfriends, but my girlfriends cannot date anyone else, I don’t think that’s polyamory. I think that’s controlling.
So see we don’t exactly agree where the line is, but I think polyamory includes being fine with your partners having other partners also. So it’s you having several partners if you want and then you being fine if your partners have several partners. So even if you have only one partner, if your partner has several other partners, you’re still in the polyamorous relationship and of course consent is extremely important. If there’s no consent it’s not poly.
So for me, it is being involved in multiple loving romantic relationships with the joyful consent of everyone involved.
So polyamory, I would say, is a way of structuring relationships such that you allow for multiple romantic connections with people, however those connections work.
Well for me, it’s more the freedom to share your love with the people that you’re interested with and not to be restricted by certain guidelines, as long as everybody is consensual and I don’t want to limit myself to who I have to love. I want to be able to enjoy where I can and with whom I can as long as everybody’s okay with it. That’s pretty much my way of polyamory.
I would define it as kind of a subset or a type of open relationship where the type of partners that people have and the types of multi-intimate, like (name) said, encounters or relationships that people have are not limited to being just sexual, that people want to and are allowed to have multiple loving, perhaps long-term relationships and that same as with other open relationships, the idea is that it’s honest, above-board and it has the consent of people. And then that’s kind of a definition coming from a couple’s perspective, but there’s also people who do solo polyamory who consider themselves as wanting to and being capable of loving multiple people at the same time, even though they may or may not be part of a “couple” per se.
BISEXUALITY
Definition
Loving/being sexual with both people of the same and opposite sex.
Quote
My sexuality as a bisexual is the capacity to be able to love people with genders other than my own
I’m bisexual too, pretty much almost straight middle on the Kinsey scale.
For many years there have been attempts to associate bisexuality with transphobia by using a definition of bisexuality that implies only two genders (same and opposite). A more accurate definition comes from bisexual activist Robyn Ochs:
“I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.” (Ochs, 2009, 9)
I’m bisexual too, pretty much almost straight middle on the Kinsey scale.
For many years there have been attempts to associate bisexuality with transphobia by using a definition of bisexuality that implies only two genders (same and opposite). A more accurate definition comes from bisexual activist Robyn Ochs:
“I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.” (Ochs, 2009, 9)
CHEATING
Definition
Cheating: non-monogamy that is not consensual, unlike polyamory which necessitates the consent of all involved. Unethical non-monogamy.
Quote
But she was cheating. She was not polyamorous. My mom used to cheat on everyone she was dating before my father. That’s how she explains it. That’s how we get it.
CLOSED POLYAMOROUS RELATIONSHIP (OR CLOSED TRIAD/QUAD ETC.)
Definition
A group of more than two people who are in a relationship with some (usually all) of the people in the group, but not with anyone else.
COMPERSION
Definition
A feeling similar to joy or happiness or love in response to observing a partner experience love or something else positive in a relationship with someone else.
DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL
Definition
Consensual non-monogamy in which details of other partners and encounters are not shared.
Quote
I know a lot of relationships if they have a kind of don’t ask, don’t tell rule where you can have other relationships or you can have sex with other people, but don’t tell me. We wanted to tell each other right from the start, but it was only sexual for a while.
HIERARCHICAL POLYAMORY
Definition
Polyamory in which one or more partners take precedent over one or more other partners; typically understood as primary, second, etc. These terms indicate level of importance or closeness or rules for various relationships.
Quote
So it’s kind of a hierarchal polyamory for me. My nesting partner and my family are my priority and as much as I love my other partners, they take precedence, the long-term over the short-term.
HINGE
Definition
The person who connect other people who do not have as close of a relationship (ie. A and B have a relationship, A and C have a relationship, but B and C do not have an intimate relationship – they are still connected by A though.
Quote
I am in a V and I am the hinge between my girlfriend and my husband. This means that my girlfriend and I connect and my husband and I connect, but they do not connect. However, on some level, I am the ‘hinge’ that brings us all together and connects the two of them on some level.
KITCHEN TABLE POLYAMORY
Definition
Polyamory in which partners are comfortable spending time together and sharing parts of their lives. Where metamours are friendly with each other (at least enough to invite them in to chat at the kitchen table).
Quote
We are aiming at a kitchen table poly. So that’s just where all partners are involved daily in each other’s lives, and in our case we’re hoping to be co-parents of future children
Meta/metamour
Definition
Your partner’s partner.
Quote
A meta is your girlfriend’s girlfriend or your boyfriend’s boyfriend. It’s the second circle of relationship.
MONogamish
Definition
Hierarchical polyamory in which the primary relationship takes precedent but consent is provided to having other relationships (albeit the level of commitment to other relationships may vary).
Quotes
We actually used the word ‘monogamish’, which is—I don’t know if you’re familiar with Dan Savage at all? But that’s a word he kind of coined. Have you heard this before like this? Interviewer 1: Yeah, but definitely if you could define it yourself. Interviewee: So we kind of decided that was how we would define it at that time, which we took to mean mostly monogamous. Our relationship comes first. It’s the most important relationship. It’s like we were still kind of emotionally monogamous but we agreed to have more casual relationships or physical relationships with other people, but those relationships were not supposed to come to the level of being as important as ours, given this high priority.
That was more like monogamish which is Dan Savage’s term of your mostly monogamous, but once in a while you have outside sexual contacts.
That was more like monogamish which is Dan Savage’s term of your mostly monogamous, but once in a while you have outside sexual contacts.
MONO-POLY
Definition
A relationship where one participant only has a relationship with the other, while the other one is openly and consensually having relationships with multiple partners.
NESTING
Definition
Refers to the partner(s) you co-habitate with and/or share daily lives with. Often, nesting partners are prioritized in hierarchical polyamory.
Quotes
It’s like I call my girlfriend my nesting partner because we live together and we have a family unit. We have a nest and we have long-term goals that we follow together, and that we’re working towards a house, raising our child. So it’s a long-term partnership. And then there are other partners or other potential partners that would follow unless they align with those long-term goals of our family unit, like just be secondary partners or non-nesting partners. So it’s kind of a hierarchical polyamory for me. My nesting partner and my family are my priority and as much as I love my other partners, they take precedence, the long-term over the short-term. I don’t know if that’s really a definition.
Nesting partner and primary partner are sort of synonyms. Nesting partner is preferred if you don’t want to acknowledge or imply hierarchy. But both refer to a sort of partner who you’re more connected to in terms of sharing space, sharing resources, whether it’s time or living together and in our case we have a family, we have a kid. And then primary partner means something similar but there’s an obvious hierarchy implied by that.
Nesting partner and primary partner are sort of synonyms. Nesting partner is preferred if you don’t want to acknowledge or imply hierarchy. But both refer to a sort of partner who you’re more connected to in terms of sharing space, sharing resources, whether it’s time or living together and in our case we have a family, we have a kid. And then primary partner means something similar but there’s an obvious hierarchy implied by that.
new relationship energy (NRE)
Definition
The exciting energy one experiences in new relationships that may result in quick decisions. NRE gradually fades over time. The energizing feeling when starting a new relationship, often accompanied by wanting to talk about it all the time or thinking that it’s the best relationship/sex ever. Often leads to unfair comparisons or rose-coloured glasses.
Quote
I never see anything bad in anyone when I'm in NRE. This is why it is so important not to make any life changing decisions (getting married, moving in together, having a baby, etc.) in the first year of dating, because you are running on a "high", a high you will come down from. It can also make your established partners feel like they are losing something, because what you give in NRE is not what you give in your established relationships where NRE no longer currently exists. NRE can be very dangerous, and very amazing all at the same time. Those in NRE must be very, very careful to analyze themselves.
Non-hierarchical Polyamory
Definition
Avoiding placing one relationship above another in importance, avoiding the use of hierarchical terms.
pansexual
Definition
Sexual attraction to individuals regardless of sex or gender.
Quote
I’m a complete bi. Actually, I’m what they call pan. I don’t identify and I don’t recognize people as anything other than really people. I am attracted to personalities.
Parallel polyamory
Definition
Where metamours do not have much to do with each other.
polyamorous person
Definition
A person who is in or wishes to be in multiple sexual and/or romantic relationships at the same time.
Polyamorous relationship
Definition
A relationship that includes a consensual agreement that all participants may have some level of sexual and/or romantic relationships with other people. Usually this implies knowing about your partner’s partners. Often people will use the term to imply that they are in a V, triad, quad, or more.
polycule
Quote
A polycule is like a relationship diagram, sort of the way you get a molecular diagram with branches and circles and all these things that go off in all different directions. A polycule is like that, but for your relationships. It draws the connected relationships between the individuals and gives them a nature.
polyfidelity
Definition
Fidelity within a group relationship, an alternate term to talk about a closed polyamorous relationship.
polysexual
Definition
Consensual non-monogamy in which individuals can have sexual but not romantic relationships with others.
Quote
And then when we talked about it, at first we agreed to only be poly-sexual and not date other people. So just date each, but maybe have sex with other people and to tell each other about it before. Or after.
primary partner
Definition
The partner who is prioritized in a hierarchical polyamorous relationship. Can refer to two things; a partner who is prioritized in a hierarchical polyamorous relationship or a partner with whom there are existing legal, financial, parental, cohabitational or other significant bonds.
Quote
Nesting partner and primary partner are sort of synonyms. Nesting partner is preferred if you don’t want to acknowledge or imply hierarchy. But both refer to a sort of partner who you’re more connected to in terms of sharing space, sharing resources, whether it’s time or living together and in our case we have a family, we have a kid. And then primary partner means something similar but there’s an obvious hierarchy implied by that.
quad
Definition
A relationship between four people.
safe words
Definition
Words typically used during sexual encounters which denote a discontinuation or modification of consent.
Quote
Now, red I was using as the classic safe word reference. I don’t know if normal people would get this, so it’s sort of maybe some sense of when you’re doing something that might be risky, or painful, or something but you want to have fun, you have a safe word to say okay, we’re going to stop or slow down. So it’s red for stop and yellow to slow down.
social monogamy
Definition
Appearing to be monogamous in social situations/in certain social circles. Usually presenting your primary partner as your only partner.
Quote
Social monogamy where you’re not necessarily, which I would define as you’re not monogamous, but you would like to appear to be monogamous to other people in your social circle and at work and here and there. And so different people have different views on that, a lot of polyamorous people feel like part of creating more safety and understanding of polyamory is that you have to come out, similar to the kind of fights that other LGBT people have had to do in order for things to get to where they are, and I’m not really much of an activist type. I’m very comfortable with social monogamy. We’re just fine and we have lots of discussions because that’s a difference between us.
Solo Polyamory
Definition
An individual who has multiple relationships (or capacity for multiple relationships) but who is not necessarily nesting with any of their partners.
Quote
There’s also people who do solo polyamory who consider themselves as wanting to and being capable of loving multiple people at the same time, even though they may or may not be part of a “couple” per se.
threesome vs. triad
Definition
Threesome: A (typically) sexual act between three people who may or may not be in more committed relationships
Triad: A triad is four different relationships (A+B, A+C, B+C, A+B+C) all in one that need to be nurtured and cared for. A relationship between three people.
Triad: A triad is four different relationships (A+B, A+C, B+C, A+B+C) all in one that need to be nurtured and cared for. A relationship between three people.
Quote
The main difference (to me) is that triads are formed relationships and a threesome doesn’t necessarily need to be. I can have a threesome with two friends, but that is all that it is. A threesome. A triad is four different relationships (A+B, A+C, B+C, A+B+C) all in one that need to be nurtured and cared for. Threesomes can happen within the triad, and because there are formed relationships, it can be much more intimate and satisfactory (in my personal opinion, as someone who identifies more to polyamory as opposed to swinging or open relationships, etc.).
transactional relationship
Definition
Where one approaches relationships using a cost/benefit analysis.
Quote
I’ve always been more of a transactional type person when it came to relationships. I’m like what can you provide to this? To be honest, (name) coming into our lives is the one that had the most draw of the—I won’t say negatives—but the draw of the resources versus what came back.
v relationship
Definition
A non-monogamous relationship in which an individual is in an intimate relationship with two other individuals who are not in a romantic or sexual relationship with each other. This individual can sometimes be referred to as the “hinge” or “point”.
Quote
We're what I would call in polyamory world a V situation with me at the hinge. I'm in a relationship with this guy and a relationship with this guy whose names are similar, so I usually don't say their names. And they're not in a relationship with each other.
A relationship exists between person A and B, as well as person A and C, but not between B and C.
A relationship exists between person A and B, as well as person A and C, but not between B and C.